This was written two weeks ago but I felt changing the tense of the writing also changed the message I am trying to relay. Enjoy!
Where to begin…? The beginning maybe?
So, I signed up for some more Yoga Teacher Training in order to further my personal practice. I find that if I am too stagnant in anyway, my Yoga Asana practice will let me know immediately. Mainly because, if I am bored then I can rightly assume that my students are bored. For this reason alone I am highly motivated, but truthfully I just really fucking love Yoga. Honestly, if I meet someone that inspires me I tend to hyper focus on a way to study with them pronto.
Case in point, I am doing a 40 hour Teacher Training in Tampa at Studio 108 with Missy White. I fell completely in love with her at the Southeast Yoga Conference this year in Atlanta. Within 20 minutes of class I knew that I wanted to study with her. Not for the study, not for the poses, but for the idea that I may someday be so strong and confident in who I truly am.
The bummer…sometimes to get to the awesome you have to find your way through the not so awesome. Let me give you an example of my day to explain.
Day two of training and I got up THREE hours before I needed to arrive. I reviewed my notes, had a great breakfast and ordered a cab within the appropriate time frame. My cab took 45 mins to arrive thus making me late. Now, if you were a normal person you would be able to say, ok shit happens, but we all know I am not normal. I constantly am trying to understand the cosmic plan. Needless to say, I arrived 15 mins late and thought for sure that the teacher would be angry and kick me out as this has happened ONCE before.
In tears in the taxi I am texting other students in the training like mad. I am trying to get my shit together so that I can arrive, make apologies and perhaps just get to stay for the training. Oh, and trying to text about my studio and what needs to happen for the workshop there without problems. Ugh…. moving on. I arrive and we get started. It’s a hip practice.
Now, you may have no idea what that means but often in Yoga we state that “the issues are in the tissues.” Often in our lives, memories or experiences can be stored not only in our brain but also in our bodies. Think of someone that was beaten repeatedly and then bring to mind that person in an everyday world and someone triggers a memory for that person and that triggered person gets anxious or scared. Hard to imagine but stay with me…
Today I was running late. This, in my biological parent’s home, was a transgression. I was literally beaten and then verbally abused for my inability to respect the adult concept of time. This happened more than once. So this morning I am running so late that I am literally shaking, crying and totally stressed because certain circumstances are OUT of MY control. Subsequently we go into a hip opening sequence that stimulates base area muscles which is where we store fear when adrenaline and cortisol rush into our system. Think fight, flight or freeze. I alway want to fight or flight. This, at least makes me feel like I am still in control. With me?
About two thirds of the way through today’s class I started crying again because I remember how much my “dad” use to whip the carp out of me if I was late or not what he thought of as timely. I remember how my “mother” would tell me that I would not amount to anything if I was stupid and couldn’t even show up on time. I literally got frozen in a memory all day today. It was a shitty day but a great day. Why, because I was on the mat for HOURS. There was no opportunity to FREEZE. There was no opportunity to FIGHT or FLY AWAY. I had to get present with my shit fast. So what did I do?
I kept moving. I kept breathing and I remembered that the only person that can beat me up now is ME. Why would I choose to do what my abusers did? Why not choose to see that all is as it is meant to be and that I can tale a breath and remember that I am not that abused little girl anymore? Instead, I am a awesome woman with the ability to come to a town I don’t know, stay in a place where I know NO ONE including the Teacher and just get it done in a joyful, present and potent way.
Honestly, I am still emotional. You do 4 -5 hours of Yoga like I did today and let’s see how you feel should you want to test my theory about issues in the tissues. The difference is, today I stayed on the mat. Today I became the person I always wanted to be because I sat with that shit on the mat. I stayed there, I cried but I kept moving. I had a choice. I chose to breathe, to BE and to breathe again.
I didn’t fight. I didn’t freeze and I didn’t run away. I stayed with it and I felt lifted up by my practice, by my community of amazing Yoginis and by my Teacher in the room but most importantly right now in my heart is a little girl with her fist in the air and she is a warrior, she is not afraid. She is in a state of “union” with me. I don’t just do Yoga, I am Yoga.