I have always been one of those people that likes to “do” things. I am not just an observer. I tend to be an action person. Ironically, I spend most of my days in stillness with others or teaching Yoga classes and inviting each student to find stillness in each aspect of the postures.
When I really sit and ruminate on this, it reminds me that the universe is full of comedy. In truth, it reminds me that the universe I live in is the one I have created. Only I can make things change in my version of “reality” as I know it. What is it that I want to change? I am over being a workaholic! So in an effort to be more and do a bit less I have taken a two week teaching hiatus from my Yoga center. Scary!
Mostly scary as it is a huge time of no income, but the REAL reason it’s scary is because I am not quite sure if I am any good at “being”. Sounds silly right? I know that I like who I am. I know that when I am alone and in the dark, I am not afraid of who I am or what I have created in this life to this point. So what’s the rub?
The rub is my body is not liking what I have created. For the past 6 months, both of my arms go numb to the pinkies. I get massages as often as time allows and see a chiropractor three times a week and see and acupuncturist every 6-8 weeks. My body is a little like Humpty Dumpty right now and all these professionals along with my body are telling me that it is simply being overused and undervalued. The other factors?
Due to a shared wall in the Yoga center I own, I chose to close my business for this month until we can relocate. This has basically meant ZERO income for two months for me. This is scary for someone that has no family, no trust fund, no people there to financially ask for help if things go south. Yes, I chose this but feel that my hand was somewhat forced. Would you do your job in an environment where you cannot think because of hammering? Where you cannot guarantee that your client can feel safe and protected? Would you invite people you have helped create a Yoga community with into something that felt unconscious and not right? I could not and I made that choice.
Another factor that I have shared with very few people is that during the last 7 weeks I have been weaning off of my anti anxiety drug, as per agreement with my doctor. The withdrawals from this benzodiazopene based drug have been terrible. I feel most days that I have spiders crawling under my skin and then there are the physical withdrawals symptoms of sweat, shakes, dizziness, rage and thoughts of suicide. The biggie for me has been the inability to form complete sentences when slightly tired. I cannot even tell you how belittling it feels to not be able to come up with a sentence. Especially for someone who uses words every single day as part of teaching Yoga.
So back to the point. I have no idea what this break for me holds. Hopefully, some time to deal with my body and just some time to rest and reflect on why I drive myself so hard. I still am not 100% sure where the new studio will be but what I do know is I have a clear opportunity to listen to the light within me. So I am going to sit, listen and be. I will let you know how that goes. In the duration, try it yourself. Meditate, reflect and remember that you are Divine by creation and therefore by proxy of the light that you are you can create a beautiful reality that you love by starting with loving yourself. How do you get started? Well, if you want you can start like me….take a break, observe what you have and simply be grateful.
I am blessed to have time to give to myself. I am blessed to have people that want to help me find a new studio. I am blessed to have a loving husband and partner in all things. I am blessed to have a healthy body and capable mind. With these things I am choosing to cultivate an “attitude of gratitude” and from here I will be still and listen……
OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti OM